Sunday, May 1, 2011

From the Baby Guidebook

1. On the subject of explosive diaper messes, two or more of the following conditions must be met:
   A. *You must be away from home.
   B. Your parents are unprepared with a change of clothes for you.
   C. Your parents only have unseasonal/too small clothes for you.
   D. Inadequate/No diaper changing facilities are available.
   E. Your wipes container is down to only two wipes.
   F. Your parents are late/in a hurry/already in a meeting.
    (*Indicates a required condition)
2. Some attention getting suggestions:
  A. Poop sideways.  This will be sure to coat everything around you in a disgusting mess while doing very little damage to your diaper.
  B. Poop on the lap of someone holding you, but only if they are looking especially pretty and/or are not your parents.
3. While you are being changed:
   A. Scream. Loud. The whole time.
   B. Try really hard to pee while your clothes are off.  If you are a boy (or your parents are careless), try to pee on the clean clothes that are about to be put on you.
   C. Flail and thrash.  See if you can get both your hands and your feet in the poop, and then onto something unexpected like your clean clothes or the shirt of the person changing you.  
   D. For bonus points, spit up and/or poop again as soon as you are dressed in clean clothes.
4. Laugh inside as your parents/caretakers become increasingly frantic about how to get you clean, dry, and calm.
5. Do not create these diaper messes too frequently or you will likely find that your parents become increasingly prepared and your satisfaction and their distress will be diminished.  Some parents, however, do not catch on quickly, so feel free to take full advantage of this privilege during your first few weeks of life.

Thank you, Miss Eloise, for re-initiating us into new parenthood.  Good job keeping us on our toes.  

1 comment:

supercheyenne said...

Aw, good times.

From the slightly older baby guidebook:

"Your goal in life is to remove your diaper and relieve yourself on as much of your grandma's house as humanly possible."